


you give me something to think about, that's not the shit in my head (you're a miracle)

by orphan_account



Series: we'll be looking for sunlight, or the headlights (till our wide eyes burn blind) [2]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, Canon Compliant, Declarations Of Love, Domestic Bliss, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Endearments, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Feels, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hugs, Hurt Oliver, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Morning Cuddles, Morning Kisses, Oliver Calls Elio Baby, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pet Names, Post-Canon, Protective Oliver, Protectiveness, Romeo and Juliet References, Sharing Clothes, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 21:31:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12713349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Saying goodbye was always difficult.The minute Elio was in his arms, Oliver never wanted to leave him. Never wanted to leave his warmth, his smile, his love. He sure as hell didn’t deserve Elio but he would do everything he could to prove himself to the younger man, to do whatever he could to be worthy of Elio’s love.Sequel to:keep me by your side. You don't necessarily need to read the first series but it probably would help!





	you give me something to think about, that's not the shit in my head (you're a miracle)

**Author's Note:**

> Some more angst for Oliver but the next part will be happier, I promise. So, I have a few things to make note of before you read this part: 
> 
> 1\. In the book and film, it is mentioned that Oliver is from New England, so I just improvised and said that he grew up in Connecticut, New England. 
> 
> 2\. I will put more information within the story in the next parts about the changes that were happening in the 80's in regards to LGBTQ+ relationships, movements, laws etc. 
> 
> For this, you just need to know that same sex activity in New York was made legal in 1980, in Connecticut it was 1971, in Vermont it was 1977, in New Hampshire it was 1975, in Massachusetts it was 1974, Maine, 1976 and in Rhode Island it was 1998. 
> 
> It should have always been legal, why was it ever illegal to love someone? 
> 
> 3\. Oliver is not ashamed of Elio or his love for him. When he says 'supposed shame' to his father, it is him reflecting on his father's words. 
> 
> 4\. The homophobia in this chapter is not from me, it is from Oliver's father and the time period. 
> 
> 5\. When Oliver says his father would have taken him to a correctional facility, he means if his father had found out when he was younger, as a child. 
> 
> If I am missing anything, or anything is wrong, please let me know! I am going by the film's timeline and not the book, just because it makes it easier to plot. So, the year is 1984, set a year after the events of the film. 
> 
> Any mistakes are my own. I own no one.

* * *

Saying goodbye was always difficult.

The minute Elio was in his arms, Oliver never wanted to leave him. Never wanted to leave his warmth, his smile, his _love_. He sure as hell didn’t deserve Elio but he would do everything he could to prove himself to the younger man, to do whatever he could to be worthy of Elio’s love. They were standing at Elio’s dorm room door. It was closed. The longer it stayed closed, the longer Oliver could convince himself that they could stay here forever, in each other’s arms, away from prying eyes.

Elio’s arms were wrapped around his neck, pulling him to him. And of course, Oliver went. He was like the ocean’s waves, tugged and pulled, crashing on shores, in total awe of the moon. Wherever its light, its ghostly, sweet rays went, he went too. Elio was his moon, his sun, his stars. He found them in Elio. In his hands, in those fingers that held his own, in his lips, needy and greedy, wanting to soak up whatever he could, in his heart and warmth, that seemed to run and run like paint, soaking up an entire canvas, an explosion of life. _Elio, Elio, Elio_.

“Hmm, hmm,” Oliver mumbled against Elio’s lips, “I have to go. I’ll be late if I don’t leave like five minutes ago.” He chuckled, “I’ll call you when I reach, okay?”

Elio looked up at him. He was wearing Billowy, barely buttoned and a pair of boxers that weren’t his, they were Oliver’s. Hair mused, face flushed, lips reddened from kissing, in his clothes, baggy on his smaller frame, sleepy eyed and so very innocent.

“Don’t look at me like that, I’ll never be able to leave you then,” Oliver grinned, kissing Elio again and again, until they weren’t breathing and the room melted away.

“Then don’t,” Elio whispered breathlessly against his mouth. “Stay. Stay, Elio.” His need for them to be one, for them to never disappear from each other was too real and strong and Oliver felt it too, all the time. When he wasn’t around Elio, all he wanted to do was be with him.

“I’ll be back soon, I promise,” Oliver whispered back and kissed Elio’s forehead.

Elio nodded, arms slipping down to his sides. He smiled, that sweet, adorable smile and pushed up on his tip toes to kiss Oliver’s forehead. “I’m every bit in love with you.”

Oliver laughed and hugged Elio to his body, tickling him a little. “I am too, baby.”

*

Oliver didn’t know what he had expected when his parents showed up out of nowhere, that Friday evening after lectures.

After the wedding with Belle was broken off, his father had been so enraged that he hadn’t spoken to Oliver all while he was in Italy and when he got back, there was still no contact from either of his parents. So, when he got back from staying with Elio that weekend, to find a note stuck to his apartment door, he was shocked. He hadn’t told them where he was living.

He thought his parents would just cut ties with him altogether. But by the looks of the message which said, ‘meet us at twelve, there’s a café by campus and we need to speak to you’, it seemed like his parents weren’t done lecturing him on what a crappy son he was.

Sighing, he tore the note off his door and entered his apartment. He dumped his bag by the door and quickly went to get his books and papers for the day. He had already organised what he’d need for Monday classes on Friday morning. He had about fifteen minutes before his first lecture and he’d already showered and eaten with Elio that morning before leaving.

Before he left the apartment, he made a note of where his parents wanted to meet him.

He could decide later on if he was going to show up.

*

He did show up. Because that’s who he was. He was a good son. He kept his head on straight, did everything his parents had wanted and yet, they still weren’t proud of him. If his father had his way, he would have been sent off to a correctional facility but with the change in laws and the movement of LGBTQ+ protests, he couldn’t.

By law, Oliver wasn’t committing a crime. Not in New York, not in Connecticut. Aside from Rhode Island, same sex activity in all New England states had been legal since the 70’s. And he had been lucky to grow up in Connecticut.

It should have **_never_** been a crime to _love_.

His relationship with Elio, any same sex relationship (any LGBTQ+ person), should have **_always_** been legal, but the world wasn’t and hadn’t ever been what it _should_ be. It wasn’t fair that they had to fight for their rights to be respected, recognised and protected. Straight people are born with those rights.

Why weren’t they?

His father wouldn’t understand any of this. And neither would his mother. He knew what he was in for when he decided to go to lunch with them. He could already feel the air change the moment he stepped foot inside the café. His mother’s tearful gaze was back and his father’s glare was ever present. In that moment, he knew he would never be what they wanted.

“Son,” his father said when Oliver finally sat down in front of them.

“Father,” he replied.

“How are you?” his mother asked, eyes pleading with him.

Oliver scoffed, “why don’t we just cut to why you’re here? You want me to get married to Belle?”

His father pursed his lips. “You have no idea the shame you have brought on this family,” he hissed his words, “when Belle’s family told us that you had broke off the wedding to run off with this _boy_ –

“He’s not a boy,” Oliver snapped. He could feel his anger creeping back in from the night he’d seen them. How dare they come and try and tell him how to live his life?

“You cannot possibly want this, son,” his mother said, her blue eyes were wide and wet. “Come back to us, we can see if Belle will still want to –

Oliver laughed bitterly and shook his head. He couldn’t believe he had agreed to meet them. They were never going to change. It upset him, made him feel heavy and sick, like he was something disgusting, like he was a piece of dirt on the side of the road for being who he was, with the way they were looking at him. But he couldn’t pretend to be what they wanted, not anymore.

“I’ve had enough of this. You’re coming home and you’re going to forget this boy. You’re going to marry a good girl from a good family and you’ll forget all about this,” his father hissed again, snapping his words like knives that sliced into Oliver’s skin, leaving him bare and empty for the whole world to see. Like a small child being slapped by their parents in public.

“You’ve shamed us all, running off like this. But we can fix this. You can put this right,” his father was saying. Oliver was hardly listening. His vision blurred and blood pumped in his veins, his heart was hammering in his chest and he felt his hands trembling in his lap. “Do you have any idea what people are saying about us? What they’ve been saying at our synagogue about you, what you’ve done to this family? I cannot believe that you thought that you’d –

“No,” Oliver cut him off, ice in his words. He turned his sharp eyes on his parents and said clearly, “no. I’m not going to do any of that except maybe sent Belle flowers and chocolate to apologise. We were never going to work and I’m not going to pretend to be the son you want.”

“Listen here, boy, if you don’t, I’ll make this spread around like wild fire. You know how some parents can be, they might complain and who are the teaching board going to believe, you or their student who claims you’ve made advances on him for being gay,” his father snarled, eyes dark as he leaned forwards across the table, “you’ve heard the stories –

Oliver laughed. He should feel fear and pain and anger and he does. If he could, he would punch his father in the face but that wouldn’t make him look good, even though his father was being a homophobic miscreant. Then again, would anyone even care if his father was being homophobic? They would probably laugh in Oliver’s face if he so much as complained.

“You’re not going to do anything father,” Oliver said, smirking now. “You won’t because as much as you’d like to control my life, you couldn’t bear to lose your reputation. This way, I look like the wrongdoer and you’re the saddened family, with their lost, wayward son. You’re going to keep it that way. Right now, all people have are rumours but if you confirmed them, by threatening me, by letting everyone know that what happened was _true_ , it would bring even more supposed ‘shame’ onto your shoulders. And as much as you’d like to punish me, you’d rather play the broken father than have to admit that your son, is _bisexual_.”

And with that, Oliver got up and left.

*

When Oliver got back to his apartment, the first thing he did was pick up the phone and call Elio. “Hey baby,” he said softly the minute Elio picked up.

“Oliver,” Elio said, a sigh left his lips, relieved, “you didn’t call when you reached. You promised.” He would never get over hearing Elio’s voice on the other end of the phone. Freely speaking. And with only an hour between them.

Oliver closed his eyes, cursing himself for making Elio worry. “I know, I’m sorry. I…my parents paid me another visit. I lost track of time and forgot. Forgive me?”

There was a pause and then, “truce.” There was a smile in his voice and Oliver was taken back to Italy when they’d truced, holding a broken arm from a statue, of work of art. “What happened? Are you okay?” Oliver could practically see Elio crossing his legs on his bed, hunched forwards with a worried expression on his cute face.

“I’m okay,” Oliver replied, “they were just being their usual selves. Same as Friday. But I think they’re finally out of my life now. I should feel happy, no? But I just feel sad.”

 _Why couldn’t they accept us?_ he thought. The lump was back in his throat. Tears stung his eyes. Why couldn’t his parents be like Elio’s? In fact, staying with them in Italy had felt more like home, like a family, than his own ever had.

“I know,” Elio replied sadly. His voice was soft, like he was reaching out to him, trying to touch him, kiss away his tears, run his fingers through his hair like he always did.

God, Oliver wanted to hold him.

“I’m sorry Oliver. If I could I would hug you right now, comfort you in any way,” Elio whispered, “kiss those cheeks of yours until you smiled. Remember in Italy, that night, before you left after Rome, how you’d cried into my shoulder at the thought of leaving. You thought I was asleep, but I was awake and I reached out and wiped away your tears, kissed your forehead.”

Oliver smiled despite his blurred vision and his voice getting stuck in his throat, “I remember.” The tears came freely now.

“I love you Oliver,” Elio said gently, like a caress, a warm embrace through the phone cord though they weren’t near each other. “Your parents…this isn’t your fault.”

Oliver sniffed and muffled his heartbroken sounds in his hand and pressed the phone closer to his ear, “read something to me, baby.” He sounded distorted and strange, but as ever, Elio’s voice was his current, his light in the dark abyss.

By the time Elio had finished a scene of Shakespeare’s _Romeo and Juliet_ , though silent tears rolled down his cheeks, Oliver was smiling. The kind of smile that was most beautiful. The kind of smile that was seen through the rain, through a thunderstorm, the kind of smile that sang of sadness and joy and nostalgic bittersweet heartache, the kind of smile that said ‘I’m suffering but I’m still here’.

“Oliver, Oliver, Oliver,” his whispered into the phone. “Are you my Juliet?”

“Are you my Romeo?” Elio asked back, a smile in his voice. Oliver didn’t need to see him to know that he too was smiling the same kind of smile.

“We can be the Romeo and Juliet that don’t die tragically at the end,” Oliver said, which made Elio laugh. Oliver closed his eyes and wondered if in another life, there would be an Oliver that didn’t have Elio and what his life would be like. Or if in a life, they met only to depart ways and live entirely different lives. He shuddered at the thought.

“The Romeo and Juliet that don’t die tragically at the end,” Elio smiled, “ _ti amo_ , Elio.”

A lazy, easy smile floated onto Oliver’s face. He sank back into the comfort of his bed and held the phone closer, playing with the cord. “ _Ti amo_ , Oliver.”

**Author's Note:**

> AGAIN: 
> 
> 1\. In the book and film, it is mentioned that Oliver is from New England, so I just improvised and said that he grew up in Connecticut, New England. 
> 
> 2\. I will put more information within the story in the next parts about the changes that were happening in the 80's in regards to LGBTQ+ relationships, movements, laws etc. 
> 
> For this, you just need to know that same sex activity in New York was made legal in 1980, in Connecticut it was 1971, in Vermont it was 1977, in New Hampshire it was 1975, in Massachusetts it was 1974, Maine, 1976 and in Rhode Island it was 1998. 
> 
> It should have always been legal, why was it ever illegal to love someone? 
> 
> 3\. Oliver is not ashamed of Elio or his love for him. When he says 'supposed shame' to his father, it is him reflecting on his father's words. 
> 
> 4\. The homophobia in this chapter is not from me, it is from Oliver's father and the time period. 
> 
> 5\. When Oliver says his father would have taken him to a correctional facility, he means if his father had found out when he was younger, as a child. 
> 
> If I am missing anything, or anything is wrong, please let me know! I am going by the film's timeline and not the book, just because it makes it easier to plot. So, the year is 1984, set a year after the events of the film.
> 
> Comments, kudos and bookmarks are appreciated! :D


End file.
